No control

I think that the biggest lesson that I keep learning over and over and over again, is that I am not in control. This seems to be forgotten as quickly as it is learned. Recently Dean has decided that when I put him to bed it is the absolute worst thing in the world. He claws, kicks, screams...in general, throws the biggest tantrum a 2 year old can throw when I try to put him in his crib. One would think that it had something to do with the bed, but when my husband puts him to bed it's peace and quiet, down for the count in a matter of minutes. Maybe he can sense that something is about to happen to mommy (the baby) or maybe it's just one of those seemingly random phases that kids go through. Either way, it has had me pulling out my hair, constantly in tears, and generally exhausted for a week now. I have tried every trick in the book with the same results. Last night my husband put him to sleep, with no fuss of course, but at 3:30am he was awake with the same tantrum and hysterical screaming. We decided to see how long he could go. Josh put earplugs in and turned on the TV in our room. I retreated to our den, aka "the cave", turned the TV on, and grabbed my laptop. I spent the next hour trying to tune out the wailing and thumping, and writing out my prayers. I have alaywas been one to process outwardly faster than inwardly, so the writing was a big help to me. 2 pages into it I realized my problem was not that Dean was in hysterics - that was going to happen off and on for his whole childhood. The problem was how I was handling it. I was trying to control every element of the situation, every behavior that he had. I started to receive that familiar sense of peace that I get when I know I'm truly listening to God. I could see him shaking his head with a smile on his face, so happy to have me come around yet again. The crying eventually stopped (an hour and 15 minutes later) and Dean fell back asleep until the morning, when he awoke as if nothing had happened. How thankful I am for a gracious God, and the knowledge that I am NEVER in control. What a wonderful world THAT is! Yes, I will need to make decisions, and yes, I will need to be an active participant in this world, but I DO NOT control it! This I can remember this lesson when Riley comes along and I am trying to manage a 2 year old and new born? Or better yet, do you think I can even remember this lesson tonight when Dean is having another tantrum? Maybe, maybe not. The learning process is all part of the journey.

Soon to be 4

3 1/2 weeks to go in this pregnancy and I have the usual mix of emotions: anxiousness, fear, joy, excitement, and a little sadness. Anxious of what labor will be like and how the first few months home will be. Fear that I will not be able to give both my children and my husband the time and energy that they deserve, and that they will not know how much I love them all. Joy that our family is expanding and a little girl is coming into our midst. Excitement to see her develop and how similar and different she is from each of the rest of us, and excitement to see her daddy hold her for the first time. Sadness that the chapter we are in is coming to a close: that we it will no longer be just the 3 of us, that my days will no longer be Mommy and Dean. I rock Dean before bedtime and naptime just so I can sit and hold him and let God know how thankful I am for him. Those peaceful moments where he lays his head on my shoulder and lays against my chest make up for even the hardest of days.


As exhaustion takes over and my physical movement becomes more and more limited, I can't stop thinking of all the things that I wish I had done before now; moments that I will never get back. Luckily my pregnancy hormones do not allow me to stay in one emotional state for too long. As quickly as I dive into sadness for what is "lost", I jump right back out and get so excited about watching Dean and Riley grow up together. Watching Dean teach her how to get into mischief, seeing them play with their cousins and swim at the lake, opening presents on Christmas morning, Dean trying to give Riley a bottle or get her to play with him...so much to look forward too.

When I was pregnant with Dean I was completely convinced that I would give birth at least 2 weeks early. I was enormous and by measurements, so was Dean...well, enormous considering my normal size and frame. When the 2 weeks prior came and went, I was encouraged by my physician to schedule a c-section as early as a week before my due date. Josh and I both agreed that this was not in the cards for us and opted to push on through. When my due date came and went, an ultrasound was scheduled estimating that Dean was approximately 10 pounds. Of course there was worry that I would be able to pass a 10 pound baby and again a c-section was pushed. We declined. At a week overdue my doc had had enough, and said that they wanted to schedule an induction. By this point, I was just so ready to have the baby I would have agreed to just about anything. Well, I won't go into detail about my labor, but let's just say it was quite abnormal. I never got to experience the excitement of the first contraction or my water breaking. I missed out on getting to call people to say I was going into labor. I didn't even get to practice any of the relaxation techniques that we had learned in class.

People have asked me if I'm nervous about labor or giving birth. I immediately say NO. I know it's going to be hard. I know it's going to hurt. But I also know that a baby comes out of it. And I know that with that incentive I can get through anything. Josh and I packed a bag today and talked about our plan for what to do with Dean. It was so fun to see him practically giddy about the whole process. We day dreamed about Dean coming to meet Riley for the first time in the hospital, what songs we wanted to put on the labor playlist and post-labor playlist (such iPod nerds, I know), and what bottle-feeding from the beginning will be like (again...another story that I may tell another day).


3 1/2 weeks to go...or 2...or 5...the not-knowing when it will happen is sometimes harder than the physical weight of it all. I know one thing though. This time, I'm not letting myself get emotionally attached to the notion of Riley showing herself early. In fact, I am trying to think of it as being 5 more weeks so that I can be pleasantly surprised if she comes earlier :) Reverse psychology I suppose.

Lake House Magic

We went to my family's lake house this past weekend with my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and nephew for a few days of rest and connection. What a magical place the lake house is. There is something about that house and that location that immediately puts me at ease and helps me to forget about any stress or angst that I may be having. To those that have been there you'll completely understand what I'm talking about.

We spent 3 days floating in the water, eating as much food as we could put in our bodies, wondering at the marvel of our children, and discussing what the future may bring our way. I wish that we had many more days there. It brought back memories of what it was like at the lake house when I was growing up. I hope that my kids get to experience that same kind of family vacation environment: freedom to play all day, no scheduled restrictions, meals together on the porch, games played together, and a family room full of kids in sleeping bags.

Uncle Zach, Tia Lauren, and Noah

First push-up pop!

Trying to stay in the shade in the Pink Throne

Cousin hugs

Dean spent a good bit of everyday playing by himself on the porch. He hardly ever wanted to even come inside.

A Schlitz, a baby, and a pink raft...what more could you need?

Passed out on a long, hot walk. Notice the box of raisins still held tightly in his hand.

Breakfast. Aren't we beautiful?

The pier

My nephew Noah and his favorite face

Disney Dean

Last week Josh had a conference in Orlando and Dean and I were invited to tag along. We were all put up in Disney's Caribbean Resort for 4 days, and while Josh went to seminars and worked at a sales booth, Dean and I swam in the pools (there were 8), played on the "beach", took long walks on the paths, and lived it up Disney style. We are completely convinced why Disney World has the reputation it does for being such a great family vacation destination. EVERYTHING is catered towards families, mainly families with small kids. Not once did we have to think twice about where we could/should go, where to eat, or even how to get there. It is well worth the money spent. Dean isn't even 2 yet and had the time of his life...and we didn't even go to the Magic Kingdom but ONCE! Here are some random pictures from our fun-filled week.

Enjoying a snack by the pool.

Riding the carousel with Daddy at Downtown Disney one night. He was so serious while on the ride and as soon as it would stop he would wail and grip that pole as if his life depended on it. The kid did not understand why he couldn't just ride it all day.

Making out with a statue of Cinderella. He asked to be picked up and then lunged at her.

Building a tower and playing with the lego dogs at Lego Land one night after dinner.

The main pool where the Pirate Ship and water slides were. This was Dean's favorite place to be. He would just float in the middle of the pool with his swimmies on, watching everything around him. He still asks to go see the "ite ship".

Dean ran up to Pooh and gave him a hug when we were at Disney. Pretty adorable.

More fun at one of the pools.

Playing in Toontown at Disney.

They said Dean was too short to ride the kiddie roller coaster, but they had no problems letting him DRIVE the race cars. Josh worked the pedals, Dean did the steering. Josh said he had a major headache by the time they were done from slamming into the rails over and over.

We ended upstaying at the park until after 10pm so we could watch the light parade and fireworks. Josh's cousins met us in the park for dinner and we had a great night together. We took a few days to get home, enjoying a slow morning swimming in yet another pool and then a night in Hilton Head with our good friends the Kemeny's (the family that introduced us!). Although it's always good to be back home, I am sad that our trip is over. It was such a great bonding time for the 3 of us. It really is a magical place that brings the kid out in you. I don't know if I've ever seen Josh quite so excited and silly :)

Hideout

Josh has turned the little storage space under the stairs in the guys' hideout. He put an old piece of carpet in there and screwed handles to the inside of the door so he and Dean can go in, shut the door, and play. Lately they've been building really tall towers using all of Dean's blocks. Josh has had to pull out our safe for Dean to stand on just so he can reach the top.

Strawberry Picking

Dean and I went to a nearby farm and picked strawberries this morning. They are so big and ripe! I had a hard time stopping at 3 pounds. I'm sure I'll be back for more next week. Dean was unsure of what we were doing out there in the hot sun at first, but once he saw me pick a big ripe strawberry from the plant he caught right on. Within 5 minutes he was coated in red goo and smiling so big. I need to remember to take his shirt off before we go next time :)

Hard at Work

It's a hard life being 18 months old. The adults just fill your day with tasks! You have to...

Pick every spec of dirt out of the pool each day.

Sweep the floor.


Ward off telemarketers.


Fix the motorcycle.


Push your aunt around.


Its rough, I tell you. Rough.