I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to certain things. No surprise to most of you I'm sure. I guess that is why I ended up becoming a Project Manager. I like to feel in control, to know that if something goes wrong it was because of something that I did, something that I had control over. This way I know what to do better next time. I think that...scratch that...I know that I am this way with Dean too. I try to be more relaxed and go with the flow, and for the most part I think I succeed (at least I'm better than in many other areas of my life), but I still spend a big part of my day organizing and manipulating what happens with Dean. I am pretty aware of when I'm being overbearing and controlling, and I'm pretty amazed at how relaxed I actually am with him, but I've noticed that it's mainly because I am always there to right any "wrongs" that others may introduce. For example, I can "fix" his daily routine if someone else rocks Dean to sleep when it's not necessarily nap time. It's not that others are wrong, it's that I haven't told them exactly what the "right" thing is, that thing that I have already set up in my head as what needs to happen. Poor Josh. He's so patient with me, and I really do try not to "correct" him when he has Dean and does something that I wouldn't normally do. (Notice I am using a lot of quotation marks here. I don't think I need to explain why.)
I was talking to a friend about this yesterday. About how I have to surrender my control to Josh when he is with Dean - my way is not the only way. That conversation led to a much bigger one...other ways we surrender to our spouses. Those of you that are married can understand the difficulty that is found in knowing when to surrender and follow your spouse, and when to step up and lead. We all know what leading is. We study it in college, practice it in work, and read about it in just about every book and magazine we pick up. "Take charge. Go for it. Make the change you want happen." Lead. But what you don't hear nearly enough about is how to follow successfully. How to let someone else be in charge and to accept their decisions and actions as your own. When Josh and I starting dating he was living in Raleigh and I was living in Hilton Head. After knowing each other for a few months we both knew that we wanted more out of the relationship, so Josh moved to Hilton Head to see where this was going (oh, and to start a business). He was only there for 3 or 4 months when he was offered a job back in Raleigh. After much deliberation and prayer he decided that it was the best thing for BOTH of us and our relationship for him to take the job and move back to Raleigh, AND for me to follow him. Now, I wasn't necessarily the happiest camper in Hilton Head, but I also wasn't thinking about moving at the time either. I liked what I was doing and the friendships that I had made there. Josh asked me to trust him and follow him. I pitched a little fit like the brat that I am, and said some hurtful things that thankfully he has forgiven me for. I didn't have a job in Raleigh, I had no idea where I was going to live, had ZERO money...I was about to follow a guy that I was dating, not engaged to, not even talking about getting married to, just dating. When I finally gave in and said I would go with him, it was like a weight had been lifted. That one instance of trust and surrender to Josh changed my life and God truly blessed us both. I don't know that I have had any more big choices like that since then, but I know that God is asking me to surrender to Josh daily...to surrender my control freak side, my obsessive need to organize our lives, my stupid belief that I know what's best at all times. Now maybe 1 out of 30 days I actually succeed in this, but it's so good when I do. I am sure that Josh could write a similar entry to this one about his surrender to me. (Obviously, this is not a one-sided street so don't get huffy and think I'm saying all women need to surrender to men, ok?) Just imagine if we could actually surrender - whether it's to our spouses, to our bosses, to our friends, or to God - without spending so much time agonizing over what might happen, or trying to figure out how we could do it and still get what we want. I think we'd have a lot less stress, emotional eating, and wrinkles.
As Dean grows, just remember that it is YOU (or Josh) who is in control, not the child. The most common hazard in parenting these days is letting the child take control. At this stage, you have to adapt your life to the baby's needs. You have to give up some control, but you're still in charge. You do it because you want to, because you know that it is best for the baby and that your wants are trivial compared to his needs. But as a child grows, he must learn that he is not the Center of the Universe (especially if siblings come along). And having children is the perfect way for control freaks to learn that they can't control everything. You'll learn to go with the flow much more than you'd ever imagine.
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